Sponsor

He got a sponsor thinking he would benefit from having someone yell at him, to be the conscience he doubts he has. It is a different dependency. That he feels a need for it is not helpful.

Spiritual and Sober

He is being spiritual in order to be sober, but the focus on sobriety limits the prospect of spirituality being realized. To try to focus on only one aspect of being is to not realize that we are not spiritual to a specific end. We are spiritual, and to have a focus to to have less freedom rather than more.

Cycle of Cruelty

Following their first act of cruelty came others to keep them dominant over those they had injured, fearful always of retaliation. Over time there were only more and more cruel acts, more people injured and so more vengeance to fear. They needed with each act to feel increased justification for what they had done, and their fear turned injured people to a thread against which they must be vigilant and pre-emptive in their attacks. They blamed victims for being angry, pressing the repression more tightly, and so compressing and solidifying the rage. Where retaliation did seep out it seemed a massive dose of new cruelty was the only remedy considered, and so the cycle spun faster with less likelihood it could be controlled.

Head vs. Heart

After a lengthy and reasoned discussion chaired by my head, it was my heart that decided, as it always has.

Reasons

Reasons to be different are better than reasons not to continue as we are.

Most of All

Dorothy would miss Scarecrow most of all. She would miss the others too, but there can be only one "most of all" person. We each have one.

No Winning

Trying to meet the needs of others we will probably satisfy no one for very long, not even ourselves, but unfortunately we would be unsatisfied as well if we did not try. No winning there.

Baggage

The aim is to have less baggage, but we instead keep accumulating. We gather thoughts, ideas, elaborations on them all and any number of speculation that we treat as fact. Instead of adding to our books (and this one as well) we should be tearing out their pages. Instead, we go on gathering and filing it away, saving all those impressions, musings, and their pretense to truth.

Un-nameable

It seems the more we try to say about God the more do we undo his nature. The more too we try to formulate our belief the less significance it seems to have. The more structured and formal the process, the greater the control over it and the more predictable it becomes, the less there actually is.

Wish

I wish sometimes (but not too seriously) I were an alcoholic. Then I could go to meetings and pretend myself less alone.

Not All Things Work Out

Despite what we might wish were so, not all things work out; and despite what we might do, some of them never will. It is not anyone's fault, though it would be were we to try to force things to accommodate more than they can or were we to insist people become other than who they are. Then it would be our fault for failing to realize life simply is -- it is neither good nor bad; and people -- despite what we may sometimes think -- are already doing as well as they can.

A Better Direction

Going on the basis of pain and how to stop it is less effective than focusing on what is good and how it might become better.

Worrying

When we worry about what might go wrong we have unlimited possibilities. Worrying about what could actually go wrong narrows the field, but it is still large enough to keep us busy for a long while. Only when we decide to worry about what actually will go wrong have we nothing to do, since that is what cannot be know and so need cause us no concern.

The Company You Keep

Why is it a surprise when crazy people hanging out with crazy people are still crazy?

Which God's Favor

To gain the favor of a cruel and judging God profits you little. With a kinder God favor is never the issue.

The Disciples in the Boat

They saw him on shore and knew who he was. They would whisper his name to one another, and Peter plunged ahead to be as soon with him as he could, but not even he would call him by name. We may find it strange and might wonder were they embarrassed by him. He was supposed to be dead, and we can sometimes be uncomfortable with those people, even though they be our friends, who do not follow the rules. Or maybe the rules had changed, or else they feared they had changed, and when uncertain which rules apply we can sometimes avoid the disappointment of choosing the wrong ones if we say nothing. Saying nothing, calling people and things by no name, hiding in silence lest speaking hurt: it is not as uncommon as it might seem.

Parenting Between Extremes

We believe some days we are providing our children with enduring values. We hope other days we have not caused them too much harm. The truth lies somewhere between the two.

We Can Be Fair

We can wish life were fair but the only choice is that we be fair. It would be nice if there were justice, with good rewarded and evil set aside, but that does not occur, except in those instances where we decide to reward the goodness we recognize.

Not Needed

There are a number of people who do not need what we might offer. They can handle life on their own. It seems to annoy us.

New Tears

Is it progress to now cry over something else? It is not sadder, only newer, and the feeling does not change.

Wishes

There are times when what we wish were so will not be. It is no less sad for the realization that it is what passes for best.

Leibowitz's List

I finally understood how those who found Leibowitz's list could invest it with such value. It was not what he had written, but that it had been written at all. Content was not as significant as the fact.

God or Us

Time spent looking at God's nature is time unavailable to reflect upon our own. Time spent speculating about what God does, or ought to do, is time unavailable for being our self.

Looking

He looks at those around him. Is he looking for someone with a similar feeling, to share his with us, or does he want to confirm it is all right to feel it on his own?

The Distress We Carry

Growing old enables you to relinquish fears and anxieties that are more global in nature, passing them to another generation who may agonize about them if they wish, becoming angered and pained by what ought not to be. It is the role of younger people to become distraught and demanding of change. It is something to occupy them in the days between childhood and a time of quiet. Hopefully, they will be more ready to see and accept the quiet, more willing to relinquish the world's distress, and maybe one day there will be no distress to let go of, no anxiety to pass on.

Unknown Travelers

At different junctures we will meet the people who will accompany us on the next aspect of our journey. Some will be longer with us and some we should not overtax by asking them to come farther than they can.

Seeking Immortality

Immortality as a goal inclines people to some foolish behavior. In order to be remembered they can be destructive as readily as they might be creative. To incline history's judgment in their favor they are liable to settle for the dramatic, rather that consider what might actually be helpful. This immortality seems such a self-centered inclination. Seeking it with such determination invests it with a false value, a value neither faithful to individuals or to humanity as a whole. Better to seek nothing.

Complicating

There are few things so simple I cannot complicate or obscure them given enough time.

Hiding Ourselves

There is an inclination to hide ourselves in how we distort others. If we can focus on their weakness we will not have to deal with their strength, and if we see only what they do wrong we can overlook -- and so need never respond to -- what they do well.

One Person's Moan

I was told I sometimes moan, but it is of course only breathing; and they say I shuffle and mope along, though I am really conserving energy and so move more slowly. They thing I am depressed, while I call it being reflective. Sometimes they are right.

The Constant Center

Despite what I say and what I really mean, I do not like change. I do not like it happening and I do not like having to do it. I would be delighted if this chair were the center of the universe, and around it occurred whatever changes were needed, while the center remained constant.

Anything Happens

That anything happens means it can happen. It requires only one occurence to make the possibility a rule. It is as true of favorable things as it is of the unfavorable.

Tolerance

People can tolerate any number of things. Whether they should is another question.

In-Jokes of the Disciples

Aside from what is recorded in the Gospels, it might be nice if there were also a record of the silly and funny things that happened during their mission. They would be the stories the disciples told each other, the ones beginning with, "Remember..." and ending in laughter as they did. They are the things a person might not understand if he were not there at the time, and while not recorded I am sure they happened. Unless there was silliness and fun it would have been an awfully ponderous trip.

Jesus in the Tomb

While Jesus was in the tomb, did the disciples wish they had intervened? Did they blame themselves, and each other, for what they had done or what they were too afraid to do? Did they not understand his death was his own, not theirs, to either cause or prevent?

Complete Lives

We have had continuous cycles of life since life began, thousands and thousands of lives being lived, each complete no matter what it may have lacked. However full or empty, and no matter the satisfaction of happiness it contained, it was always life and always complete, with a beginning and end, and a middle filled with striving and wishing and as much hope as circumstances could sustain. They cycles continue, sometimes drawing from earlier ones, sometimes scorning them, but always there is the cycle cycling around itself as life remains the constant, no matter what the circumstances might provide.

The Past

The past is secure. It may not be drawn forward into present time, but having happened is all that is needed to secure its immortality.

Traditions

Our traditions are fragile and only once need we do them differently to place them in jeopardy.

Moving On

No matter the experience, be it favorable or not, we do not stay within it but always move on. The experience is complete and to try to make it part of what is next is to make it a burden.

Inbetween Choices

There are a number of instances when the good is not great and the evil not all that bad. The choices are then less clear. There are also instances with good and bad on either side and so there is really no right choice and none that is wrong, just those that are painful.

The Self-Destructive Impulse

It is the destructive aspect of some behaviors that makes them most attractive and so to warn against them may for the individual drawn to fulfilling a more destructive inclination draw him only that much closer.

The Bottom

They realize recovery begins at the bottom but they keep pushing the bottom down so there is always a worse place they might be, a lower point from which to begin over, and until that place is reached they are not yet entitled to begin wellness. It seems another way of punishing themselves and increases that perverse status that derives from being the worst of the worst.

Instead

It would be better to do life without all the agonizing which for so much intensity adds nothing at all.

This Story

The only deficiency in this story is that it is not true.

Mountain

You could not just look at the mountain. You had to climb it, too.

The Latest Reincarnation Notion

His latest reincarnation notion would have us born into a dimension where it would again be the life we have so far been living. We would find ourselves re-living the same lives in the company of the same people and having some of the same choices, though making some of them in different ways would move us in directions where what has happened this time cannot happen again. Instead of having to be someone else, someone unfamiliar, we would each time be refining or perfecting ourselves.

It was no worse than other reincarnation strategies, but I wonder why he would prefer this recycling of self to the afterlife others accept, seeing it as a continuation of life, though in unfamiliar form.

Options

Unless we could have said no, the yes had no value.

Better Question

Do not ask, "Where are you leading me," but rather, "Where are we going?"

Stopping

Alan said the key to stopping is stopping. We do not pray for it to stop (whatever "it" might be), but for support in staying stopped.

Relatable

People eventually find the God to whom they can relate. Together they will work out a way of meeting the needs of each.

Wizard Truth

It seems there are things in the "Wizard of Oz" that cover any number of life's questions.

The Prodigal Son's Job

The prodigal was apparently trying to upgrade his job. To that end he worked out a speech, but whether he meant it we never do learn. Whether he did or not made little difference, as it turned out.

Compulsive Sobriety

In sobriety they are no less compulsive. Actually they seem to have more time and energy to devote to aspects of it.

Alternatives to Pain

People do not want pain but they will tolerate it if it seems the alternative to even greater pain.  They are handling what is painful now and wonder could they instead handle what might be next.

Familiar Patterns

A lack of trust in the future -- or in our capacity to deal effectively with it -- will keep us bound to patterns that may never have been as effective as they are familiar.

Assurance

Before changing, a person will want assurance that it is in his or her interest to do so.  The interest of the therapist or that of the broader society is not an issue.  It must suit the individual's very unique requirements and may need even to be at odds with the ordinary judgment of people.  The change is the issue, not the specific motivation for it.  Of course, there never can be sufficient assurance and the jump is always into uncertainty.

Discovery

We may seem to be settling for less when we may instead have found something else.

Hearing Less Well

Lately, I hear less well.  I do not want it to get worse, but at this point it is not unwelcome.  There are a number of things of which I do not need awareness.  Many things are said that can as readily go unheard, and some of what I think I am hearing is funnier and sometimes makes more sense than what was actually said.

If givers also receive, those receiving may be offering a gift

Time to Share

Everyone has an hour's worth of information to share, even though it may take some two days to share.

Changing Ourselves

When we were younger it seemed important that change occur, and it had so often to be such radical and essential change. The society needed to be reformed and it had to happen right away. The same needs exist though time had passed. Younger people now seek those sweeping changes, as they should and as they must if they are to have principles and values by which to define themselves. It does seem the global and essential is the realm of the young, and over time it will narrow and focus as some goals are set aside needing no new issues to replace them. The determination to see it happen all at once and to its core goes by. We no longer need to expend ourselves in the struggle, worthy though it be.

Instead there is a settling into aspects of life more essential even than the vital issues of our younger days. It becomes instead the question of our selves and an acceptance, not of what surrounds us but of the eternity that is at the core.

Apologies

Be sorry once. Apologize if there is something you believe is yours, but once is plenty.

Just Power

If all God had were power, what would be the point of being God?

Beyond Age

It is annoying that people knowing the boys' ages think they must then be typical of that age (or of an expectation of what is typical). Since about age two people have thought they could discern from this single fact just what they were like. I expect it will be the same with Matt, and I anticipate being no less annoyed.

Options

He holds on to dying as an option to life, seeing its intervention as the resolution for which he need not be responsible. He is not alone with this magical thought, but as long as it is there the prospect of it happening rules out the more realistic choices, those where he would actually have to be responsible.

Permission

It really would be alright to notice beautiful and loving moments and to remember kind and good things without also having to cry.

Fear of Fulfillment

We can resist peace, being too familiar with our struggles to know they are without value.  Where no one else might see them we can envision tragedies, and will hold to that vision until a real tragedy can emerge.  Is happiness so frightening a prospect, and why must we make fulfillment the only villain?

Only Information

We can be aware, but awareness of what happened, of what is now occurring, and even of future options is only information.

Attached to Craziness

Even when the craziness makes no more sense, its familiarity keeps us attached to it.

Alone

We are sometimes so afraid of being alone and other times we wish we could be. We cannot fill ourselves but realize as well that no one else can.

Relapse

Here he comes. After a brief visit to wellness, he is back to be sure he will be welcome in the madness. Though it is a sad place it is also familiar, but maybe this will be the last time back. Maybe it will not be as familiar as he had hoped, as comforting as he recalled. He may not unpack, much less settle in. Perhaps, this time the madness will not seem like home.

What Is Right

The essential rule is to do what is right, and while there can seem to be conflicting rights or rights that seem opposed it may be we are confusing what is right and what is without pain or difficulty.

Not Enough

No one is ever changed by knowledge.

Attempts at Flight

Each attempt at flight is blocked by little boys with bears.

Obligation

Obligation is the more essential motivation and without this sense of what is owed he might do nothing at all.  It is when there are conflicting obligations that it becomes uncomfortable, since meeting one means the other is left owing.  It is then he seems to tear.

Perspective on Problems

The problems that actually could be handled feed into more global concerns where no resolution is available.  They become then so gratefully frustrated by the inability to respond.

Finite Treatment

If treatment is not to be indefinite there has to be an expectation, indicators that change is in progress and when what is anticipated.

The Fact of Feeling

They confuse the fact of their feeling with the feeling of it.

Doing Right

You would think doing what is right would be less complex.

One Day at a Time

Some are sober a day at a time.  Others are in denial on the same scheduling, putting off for one more day any healthier choices.

Quality of Life

Before quality of life can be a question there must first be a commitment to life itself.

What to Do With Grenades

We seem inclined to dramatic gestures and resigned to their being sacrificial in nature, and so we dive on grenades that could instead be thrown back.

Acquainted With Madness

If we address the madness in its own language or respond on its terms it may think we want greater intimacy.

Exhausted Revelation

The revelation seems so exhausted.  We seem to have wrung from it all its uniqueness.  Perhaps, it is time for another.

Undoing the Shrine

It is time, I think, to undo the shrine, recognizing it memorialized my depression more than your love, which is real enough in our memories and in our souls to need nothing else.

When

When I no longer have to write it down, when I have no need to reflect and consider, when truth is no more a surprise and when I am no longer at home in the pain, then I will have begun living.

Games

Old men playing young men's games were not seeking for an art form.

Insisting on Order

People who insist there be order can end up feeling responsible even though they are not.

Blinded

The republics leaving the Soviet Union rush to establish armies.  Are they so ignorant of realer needs?

Relative to Beginning

The beginning seems always so near.  Only moments ago these aging people were so young.

Hypotheticals

In a discussion generated more by boredom than interest and more typical of the setting than of any reality, they were asking which is the better motivation:  fear of condemnation or the promise of salvation.  What was more effective and what was more pure.  Of course, neither was really that effective and certainly purer was not the right term.  We do what is right because it is right.  Nothing added to that need be considered.

On Second Thought

Initial responses, those generated by compassion, are often undone by actions influenced by further thought.  We may with time permit too many factors to have a vote.

Pity

Is there anything worse than the pity of those we disdain?

Jesus's Time

At Cana Jesus thought it was not yet time.  I wonder when he thought it would be.  I wonder was he expecting a dramatic announcement.

Freedom to React

It is surprising how intensely people react to things that have no relationship to their lives.  Maybe it is because they are not related that they can feel this freedom to react.  Were they closer they would perhaps feel less able to say anything at all.

Choosing a New Tradition

Having devoted a fair bit of time to being sad and at times more miserable than seemed reasonable, I must say there is nothing to recommend it.  I realize some of it is habit, that the perspective or bias that incline me to this reaction, and the reaction itself, are of long standing.  It is also a learned response and I suppose tragic heroes are part of our tradition -- at least they are more prominent than others might be.

I would like now to consider other choices, and while it is a drastic change happiness seems a reasonable option; and so, rather than look for reasons to support or maintain the sadness it may be better to find reasons to set it aside, permitting myself to be better, with better and more faithful responses.  While faithful to self, this change is at odds with the tradition and so there is resistance.  It does not matter how strange and destructive a tradition may be, its being a tradition gives it frightful power -- but it is the power the healthy tradition will acquire once it becomes established.

Conjuring Memories

I would like to spend a day conjuring memories and fears so I could get them all cried at and out of the way, but it does not work that way.  They do not stay out of the way and each time is new.

One and True

When we talk of the one true Church we are inferring there are others less true, and maybe some that are even false, but there is no one truth and not one approach to God or a single way in which God comes nearer to us.  There is no "only way" in which we approach each other.  I suppose the one and true aspects slipped in at a time when we were less secure, and wondering how we might compare with others.  It is that insecurity that makes us pre-emptive in our criticism, like children wondering how they match up with others and needing to resort to exaggeration lest reality not suffice.  When we don't need to be the one and true anymore we will then be closer to the center of where we find God.

Living Someone Else's Life

I can at times think my life has become confused with someone else's, that somewhere there is a person awaiting the tragedy he knows he has earned, but it never arrives.  I wonder in those moments is he disappointed and how can I send him what he entitled to.  There is, on the other hand, no wonder that I have been mistakenly handed someone else's joy.  On those days I have no doubt who has earned it.  Unfortunately, this righting of the system does not occur as regularly as it might.  Nor does it stay in balance as long as it might.  I then hope whoever is living my life is appreciative of it, and I understand why he is not all that anxious to recover what has arrived at my door.

The Words of My Depression

I decided in the transcribing of these blurbs to include even the more morose aspects of my depressive episodes.  By looking at them when past, I can see their lack of proportion, as well as their power.

Our Focus on God

It seems we focus on God's activity.  Our creed is mostly action, and that is O.K. since actions are important, indicating God's intervention in life; but it is not a quiet belief so much as it is a busy one.  It may be better to focus for a time on the words and silences of God.  It would not diminish his action, but might provide an occasion for reflection, not on what he does but rather on who he is and who we are in his presence.

Religion and Spirtuality

Religion, because it feels it must make rules, is stuck saying things are good or bad, right or wrong; but spirituality does not make such judgments.  It is freer and fosters freedom in those who would pursue it.  The mistake we sometimes make is thinking that spiritual and religious are equivalent terms.

An Attempt at Kindness

We think we are protecting each other by avoiding what we know will be painful.  It is a kind thing we do and while it is ineffective we should not overlook the kindness.

Conversion

My conversion to New England living is almost complete.  I am thinking of becoming a Patriots fan.

Empty Christmas

Christmas became a very hard time when you were no longer here to share it.  It became a burden made tolerable in sharing it with the boys, but they grew beyond toys (as they were supposed to) and it has become a hard time once again, this year more than last because it is so uncertain and I see clearly how much sadness I offer to people I love.  I had thought some time ago I had celebrated my last Christmas.  I wish now it had been so.  Had life ended then there would be none of today's sadness.  The boys would be with Bob, Betsy would have lost a friend, but that did not happen and so it is another Christmas so empty of what the day should be, so empty of what it was when we made paper ornaments and hung pictures on our tree.

Experts on Other People's Choices

We are such experts to so little consequence in the lives of one another, so sure we are right about what others should do, while in our own lives -- the place where choices do exist -- we are all muddled and immobilized, at a loss to do the simplest things.  We avoid and pretend, waiting for the miracle while urging others to do what is available and to be decisive in doing so.  We are all reason and logic where friends or clients are the focus, but it does not cross over into the circle where we stand.

Lump

I had a lump.  It turned out to be benign.  I think I was disappointed.  I think this should have alarmed me, but it didn't, so I guess it is getting worse.  While I realize this is not so permanent, it is for now worse that it has been since I am seeing it as an improvement.

Wishing

Knowing how life is we can wish that wishing it were different would make it so, but it does not happen.  It does not become different just because it should.

Living Contradictions

Despite what we say, we act as though creation were flawed and salvation unattained.  We speak a more liberal doctrine while living personal lives that would suit a pilgrim.

My Traditional Silliness

Reality would be O.K. if it did not intrude upon my traditional silliness.  That it is tradition gives it a power with which reality can hardly compete.  In this setting wanting to pursue reality can even seem disrespectful.

Endings and Beginnings

Whole worlds can end with a single mistake.  Entire lives are unwound by one error in judgment.  It does not seem fair, though fair is never the question, and were we willing to be a bit more thorough we might see in the endings and undoings occasions to begin again, to alter the course of life.

Work Together

Doing the job is more important than having it finished, particularly when it is done together.

A Bit Extreme

He told me he had been tired of life since life began.  He said he had learned early that while others were eager to trust he never could, and that eventually the prospect of well-being was more terrifying than the familiar depression that hovered around him.  As a longtime member of the Depression Club I understood, though it sounded a bit extreme, which is how depression is.

Old Ways

Old ways are resistant to change and unhealthy old ways more so than most.

Take Advantage

There are moments in which significant change becomes possible.  It is the time when we can truly replace the death-oriented aspects with life and hope, but these are fleeting moments and the inertia that makes us wary of anything different -- no matter how healthy they may be -- can be expected to intrude.  If the moment passes and there is no commitment to life and change, there is no assurance this moment will again be offered.

Give some thought to thinking less

Living With the Rules

Once there is a rule -- be it, "I don't drink," or "I am not going to be satisfied," or any other -- it becomes the framework in which all else can or cannot happen, making it important to realize that apart from what is actually said there are the rules.  Therapy is in assessing them, and in altering, eliminating or replacing them so that those remaining enhance the process of living.  In doing this realize that some rules are better in the abstract, and that some will be inferred from what people do rather than from what is said.  Know too that people are not always aware that things have acquired the status of rules within their lives, and that they may have thought themselves operating with an entirely different system than is actually the case.

Resentment

I had not realized the extent to which I resent people wanting to know about me, especially when they want to know for the sake of knowing, or when they feel entitled to the information.  Of course, I also resent it when people want to help, when they want to know so they can make my life better or less troubled.  It is probably why I will only reluctantly share anything of value, and then only with those who will do nothing about what is said.  How I acquired this particular oddness is another question, one I do not wish to pursue.

Confused

They have done it again, confusing life's length with its fullness.

Another Day

Not everything needs to be dealt with, and of those that do not all need to be dealt with now.  Putting them off to another day is how a number of them will be handled.

Perspective

He thought it was loneliness but thinks now that with the least bit of reflection it could as easily have been solitude.

Center Stage

It is never far away and so it does not require very much to bring forward the sadness.  At the best of times it is waiting to move onto center stage, and once there it is as though it never left.

Few Surprises

In the end, few things are as surprising as we would have thought.

Exclusive

They talked of Jesus present in us as though we were the only ones to benefit from such a relationship.

Go Forward

Looking back at roads we might have taken we can know they may have led to better places, but they are not the ones we are upon, and so time spent looking back is not time well spent.  Go forward instead.  Remember sometimes what might have been or what could have happened.  If you pass a juncture such as this see if it is still the road you might want to take.  In time you may need to be where you have traveled, and the road not taken will not need to be now.

The Journey Itself

If getting to the promised land was the goal they could have walked there in a week, but instead the aim was the journey.  The desert was the purpose itself.

Cycles

I am, I think, cycling again into a time of hope.  I hope it will last.

Righteous People

Righteous people are so terribly dull.  For all their solemnity they add nothing at all.

No Choice at All

Choices determine subsequent choices, sometimes narrowing the options and at other times expanding the range.  When the range is sufficiently narrow it becomes fated, and choices follow one from another with such inevitability that it seems no choice exists at all.  To go along with what began at the start of the chain is all that remains, ratifying rather than selecting what is available.  Resisting can seem a choice but it is too expensive to be considered.

Anchored in Childhood

People should not have to grow up, and children least of all.  There should be no rush to put aside the aspect of life that anchors us to goodness and innocence.

Seduced By Violence

We can be seduced by violence.  It promises a resolution it cannot deliver.  In the end, war (or other instances of it) provides no resolution.  It offers frustration which leads, if permitted to do so, to only new acts of violence pretending to be the answer.

Friend on the Move

My friend goes from one place to the other.  In each are people he cares for and things that he fears.  Wherever he is he will be without who he left behind and surrounded by the aspects that frighten him so.  No matter how quickly he goes from one to the other he will not outdistance the sad and scary parts.  Nor can he gather around him all whom he loves.

Wanting It All

Sometimes, people do not want parts.  Instead everyone wants all of what is available and they can resent the part they did not receive, even if it is the part you tried to keep for yourself, or so it can seem.

Focus Into the Moment

At some time in therapy people ask why life is unfair, why the good suffer, not caring so much why the evil may prosper, and more specifically they ask why is their pain so great and why life has seemed to conspire against them.  They ask why there ever was such pain and no discernible relief, no time when they can say it is finally over or at least for a time they will have life without its tragedies and estrangements.  They so want it to be fair.  In our dealing with people we can respond honestly and equitably, but there are no choices in our lives about what they do, about fate, or about anything else.  It helps, I think, to recognize and acknowledge the very limited nature of what is fair, and to spend less time and energy in anger about it.  It is also helpful to narrow expectations and focus into the moment, as it is beneficial to move from the global control residing in fate and force that seem blind to our distress, narrowing the process to aspects where people can have choices about what to do or how to respond, even if it is only in this moment.

Little Hope

Had we to rely only on what we presently see few would have much basis for hope.

Standard Ideal

When the ideal becomes standard nothing can work.  We have made it necessary, rather than desirable, that everyone be satisfied; or we have required that outcome be according to the plan, allowing for no variation.

Wait

Wait.  Just wait, settling into your soul.  Wait without anxiety, trusting in the waiting itself.

Center Stage Craziness

When the craziness is at center stage masquerading as sense its performance can be so frightfully realistic.

Road Raging at God

He passed me on Route 101, crying and raging, his face red and swollen by tears and the very terror of his anger.  I thought as he pulled alongside he was yelling at me, but there was no object other than God.  I know because I have done so myself, though I confine my shouting to two-lane roads, unwilling to share this ritual with other motorists.

Uncertain Purpose

Most would agree there is purpose and direction to life unless they were required to also say just what it might be.

Furrowed Brows and Foolishness

Officiousness confuses itself with competence.  The dullest people seem determined to be experts as though the ponderous nature of their discussion were the key.  Furrowed brows and labored discussion do not give added value to foolishness.

A Kind and Gentle Man

Of all this world's dear people I find I am related to several; among them is my brother. A kind and gentle man.

The Lives of Others

I sometimes do better in the lives of others than I do in my own, perhaps because they had come wanting to change.

Questioning Clichés

While clichés may be O.K. as points of reference, we should periodically question their claim to universality.

No Solutions for Everyone

There is no solution that will meet everyone's needs, and so it would be all right to spend less time and energy in attempts at reconciliation.

The Widow's Coins

Having given to the temple her two copper coins the widow did not then win the lottery.

The Question With No Answer

To think we should, or that we ever can, respond to the question having no answer is to not understand it has no answer.  Nothing is the only reply.

Right to Know

People may be entitled to some facts, but not to all of the discussion or explanation with which they would pursue and challenge what is said.

Limited Perspective

Because people talk only from their experience and understanding -- bringing to what they would share their values, hopes, and expectations -- they can understand each within his own self what might be offered, but at a more distinct level they can be more at odds.  Yet, even in their need not to be so distant that they would risk precluding resolution, there is wariness.  To overcome it requires additional trust and a willingness to be less absolute.

The Truth

Knowing some truths may only make us more knowledgable.  The truth does not always set us free.  It may sometimes constrain us all the more.

Seeing Bartimaeus

In the story of Bartimaeus, the bishop had thought Jesus' friends had not understood and so they tried to protect him from this shouting blind man.  This Sunday, the priest thought it more central to see them leading the blind man forward.  They were his advocates.  Actually, they had done both.  Followers do not always understand, but sometimes they do.  We get in the way, but sometimes we do not stay there.

Putting in Time

At what point did he start putting in time, tolerating life rather than living it?  It was probably far sooner than it seemed.

The Sadness

People who would overlook or diminish the sadness have not understood, and if they would say the past is over they have not seen it alive in our hearts.  We are the sadness and sometimes we are it more than anything else.  The past, at least on some days, is more vital than the moment.  They seem to be what anchor us.  It is not that all that is good and valued is over, or that happiness is not allowed to be real.  Rather it is that we have a part of our being in events that form us, and when time has covered them over the present times will not be any more over than in the history we already carry.  It means too that at the center of the core there is emptiness that rises up.  In the terrible sadness we can find more real than what surrounds it on other days, but there are those days, and there are times when the sadness does seem over.  There is happiness, too, and it is in its moments as real as anything else, but it seems more fleeting and less able to compete.

Mirror Image

When I see John I sometimes see me.  It is O.K. most times, but other times I wish he could avoid some of what I have understood, or the ways in which I have understood life to be on some days.  I worry that he may have the same confining rules, and hope he can do things in less ponderous ways.

Perception

"You seem upset."

"No, it is just how I handle the prospect of joy."

Fewer Choices

There are fewer choices than we thought, which could be a consolation.

My Mantras

Each day I say to myself a number of things.  Some are those I had said the day before and some I have been saying for years, though they do not always seem so old.  In hearing them they are affirmed, or they show why they may be less worth repeating on the following day.  I say also to myself some newer things, and at times I am surprised by their presence.  They seem not to derive from places within me, nor do they fit so well with the older sayings.  Yet both the new and the old, even when contradictory, are mine.

Still Searching

We went to the Buddhist Center, one more place where whatever it is was not to be found.

Priorities

Far fewer things than we had thought are essential to life, but those that are really are.

Enough Time

There is always enough time unless we think we have so much to do.

Sadness Tournament

A number of people are thinking their distress more unique than it is and they resent the suggestion it is not so rare.  It has, it seems, become their most important aspect of self -- the defining trait.  Why is that?  Why is no suffering allowed equity with their own and why is the pain of anyone else so easily diminished?  It seems they must always win the sadness tournament.

Before the Ascension

I would have preferred Jesus saddened by the prospect of Ascension.  I would rather him miss his friends even before leaving them, and that he tell them so rather than simply leave.  I would rather have him regret the loss of them, no matter how short the time; but maybe he had already said those things.  Maybe he had spent that forty days in sharing and perhaps it was in that time he got to say: "Know I loved you, and don't be afraid to love each other; sing often and dance each chance you get; touch one another; let each other know you are trying to understand; don't let your friend become only your brother, and remember that brothers are more essential to one another than anyone else might ever be; don't let traditions end as long as they are good and helpful; offer assistance to those in danger of becoming creeps; trust each other."  Maybe it had all been said.  Still, I wish he had said goodbye, with a tear in each eye.

Another Name

They call some things determination and dedication, and others compulsive and destructive.  Same actions, different focus.

Destructive Aspects

People do not choose the destructive aspects of what they do.  These are but the consequence of their fear and uncertainty, even when they are what seem least evident.

Trying To Control Love

Each place and each person evoke feelings that while the same, in that we call them both love, the concern remains lest they not be able to bond one to another and in the process the love may be damaged.  I know I can be too protective and that in truth love may not need my concern and attempts to control.  It can flourish on its own.  I know too that love and fear are not the same.  But, that is only the knowing.

Foolish Things

The foolish things I do are the foolish things I have done.  That time has passed or the setting has changed makes them seem new.

Selective Interpretation

When talking of respect for life, only abortion and euthanasia were seen as wrong.  Death in war and by starvation were not mentioned, and so maybe it is having a choice that is the crime.

Living and Dying

He speaks of hating life, saying it has long since stopped being a gift, if ever it had been; but in truth it is only his own life that has become so intolerable.  In the lives of others he finds great value, and of them he is more caring.  I have felt that way and know it is just beneath the surface so ready to come forward, but I do not experience it with this same despair.  While not pursuing death, he would welcome it as a gift -- the gift living was unable to be.

Attending to Others

Fortunately, we need not be healthy to treat another's pain.  While we cannot care for ourselves we can still attend to the needs of others.

Defensive Sadness

He is concerned that abandoning his apprehension will bring something worse.  Anxiety in this sense is defensive.  It protects him against something that may be worse.  It may seem silly, but in the past any sense of ease or inclination to believe himself safe was the beginning of a new sadness.  It may not have been causal.  His relief and the start of hope may not have caused whatever followed, but he is not taking any chances.

Someone Else's Ideas

People call the "talk radio" station to share as their own the thoughts they heard on this same program the day before.

Inside Pain

People without their pain may not understand how they cope, but from inside their souls it makes all the sense in the world.  Observers can only observe.

The emptiness is not incidental to life

...And so it ends, as end it should

Springs are that way -- they end, but they come around again if you wait long enough.

On the Verge

On the verge of a reasoned response, the nuttiness offered a different suggestion.

Stories

Listen to their stories more than to their discussion.

Dad - 5 years

Individuality

Acquiring individuality need not be a tortuous process and probably better for being less dramatic.

Incomplete Life

No one ever gets everything, even though what he wants may be good.  Each choice preclude others, and so in that sense every life is, or should be, incomplete -- though it will be as complete as it can be.

Follow

He said, "Follow if you would be perfect," not that you had to be perfect at the start.

Inadequate God

It is perhaps a question of my expectation, but God, I find your response so woefully inadequate.  You may do well at sustaining the universe but in my life your presence and influence, at least on major issues, have been hard to find.  I notice I say you are because I wish you were, lest I be alone, but I am unable to see or feel indication of you and when I have asked I have heard only silence.

This House

God did not need this house.  It is here so we can be with each other.

Time to Reconcile

It is time to reconcile, to bring together or to discard, and to get on with it.

Saving Us

When God was saving us from exile or slavery it was more reasonable than saving us from us.

Loser

He could explain why he did not win, how fate had worked against him, but he was the loser nonetheless.

What Needs to be Done

It is not a question of not knowing what to do, but of doing it and most of the effort put in to denial and defending is wasted since we do eventually what we might have done at the outset.

Loyal to Depression

He knows there are choices other than those he has always made and that were he to risk a bit the options could be expanded quite a bit, but he is loyal to his depression and so is unwilling to go beyond it.  Only reluctantly will he be happy.

Always One More Thing

There is always the one more thing to be done, the one other person to be satisfied. Someday it may be O.K. to say "no" or "not just yet."

Old Gods

The old Gods never really go away.  We should be kind to them so they will be kind when they are again in ascendency.

Cheering Loutishness

Why do people cheer the loutish intensity?  Why is the angry and insulting player encouraged?  Perhaps they decided on a favorite and then permit whatever he will do.  Maybe they want to see this performance and want it performed just this way.  Maybe they find it more to their liking than civility.  What about the cycle of intensity and its encouragement provide and provoke such applause?  Why do his insults sound so pleasing?  Is the madness in the crowd, or in their expectation that this is how they must be?

Resistance

I resist change, even when it is favorable, and can think of no reason other than it being different.  What used to be was actually good, and there is not reason to doubt the goodness of what will be.  I would do better to see it in less dramatic terms and to do what I tell others to do, but when reality intrudes I still try pushing it aside.  It is, of course, silly and I would rather treat the moment with more respect and the future with more trust.

Life's Direction

If we focus specifically enough, can we really alter life's direction?

Someone Else

People seem to think I am someone else, which is sometimes complimentary and sometimes not.  I am not who they think they see.  I am not even who I think I see.

Easily Dismissed

At some point, when the intensity of youth and the drive to become someone other than who we are subside, we settle into something more.  There is then an opportunity to assess life and to decide what will we defend, affirm, or dismiss.  It may be surprising how much is easily dismissed.

Mistaking God Again

He seemed to suggest our relationship to God is not unlike that of the tenant farmer to the owner of the land.  While we are given use of the world, it has to be at a substantial cost.  I assume it is a notion deriving from a time when peasants farmed the lord's estate in a system that gave them more obligations than rights and only an appearance of freedom.  What is not given -- be it life or use of land -- impinges on freedom, since the contract is subjected constantly to revocation or to the imposing of conditions.  This is another failure to understand God and belies our inability to see him as he is rather than as we would make him.  God does not lend.  He instead gives and when he does he does not take back.  God the landlord and God, lord of the manner, are our mistake, not his reality.

Pound Ridge

We drove past Pound Ridge.  I recalled days spent there but other than the day of John's laughing and a few other scenes that are less specific I could not recall very much.  It is true too of other things and who we spend days with is more important than what we may have done.  Specifics are less significant than the atmosphere provided.

Talking to Walls

He says it is like talking to the wall.  Having heard him, I think the wall has a tough assignment.  I wished too I could listen to walls rather than to him.

Elijah in the Wilderness

Elijah walked a day into the wilderness and thought himself entitled to death.  The Lord did not agree.

I Thought

I thought I was talking to you.  But when I became angry I realized it must be God I was addressing.

Overlooked Reality

We expect people to be who we need or want them to be, despite who they may need or want to be within themselves.  We can overlook the reality of who they are because our wishes and wants make it so obscured.  We do this with one another, with public figures, and with God as well.

Our Depression

We become so terribly protective of our depression.  Perhaps because it is so familiar that any alternative would seem an essential change.

Obsessing

I would rather not do it, but find I obsess about things to a point where I almost think the obsessing is the resolution.  I have put in so much energy I expect that it was also productive.

Misunderstood God

It would be a silly God who had not understood people would make mistakes.  It would be a one-sided (or lop-sided) God who focused only on those mistakes.  It would be a terribly insecure and angry God who required retribution.  So, we have probably misunderstood.

Surrendering Innocence

We too quickly surrender innocence and too readily believe what we are told.

Programmed Failure

If we expect to attain what is unavailable, or to sustain what instead must change, we have programmed failure.  Why then are we so surprised when it happens?

Hope In Children

The only good and hopeful aspect of life is the children.  I can in others find flaw, even when I do not look.  I am even my own virus at times, bringing in and nurturing what in retrospect thrives to my detriment, but no matter what I may do or what else happens they remain themselves with all the goodness and kindness that is sacred.

Alan To Ireland

Alan is off to Ireland.  In whose struggles will I now recognize my own distress?

Winning

She wins all the arguments, but because there is always a new one she may not be winning after all.

Many Believing People

Is there one God appearing under many titles, or are there many Gods, each with his own religion?  Probably neither is the case.  As there is not one love but rather many loving people, so there are many believing people with belief being the more essential factor.  That beliefs are formulated in distinct ways is secondary, and no one formulation is more significant than others, even though it may claim priority.

Dying In Private

It seems death should always be a private experience.  The idea of people waiting and watching seems intrusive, and perhaps disrespectful, even though that is not what they intend.  It is its public-ness that gives to Jesus' death the ignominious aspect -- rather than it being by crucifixion, which is only the means.  In our culture there is a feeling the dying person requires company or reinforcement as they undertake a difficult transition, but I think that may suggest more the fear of the living than the experience of the dying.

Trouble Accepting Goodness

Facts are generally benign but interpretation gives them value and more often than necessary it is a negative value, perhaps because society is more lacking in trust, too dominated by its fear, to recognize goodness.  It is perhaps the same inclination that makes it so controlling and intrusive, more so than would ever be necessary were we inclined to accept the goodness of people.

Driven to Unattainable Goals

If people have reasonable expectations and understand the limitations life imposes, it becomes a simpler process.  Not having clearly defined goals and being driven to attain them, hoping they will become clear in the pursuit, is to instead increase their obscurity and it is a self-sustaining process so that we are forging deeper into obscurity and thinking it is light.  To expect what is unattainable or unavailable to us (though it may be possible in someone else's life) is not helpful

Barefoot

Few important things in our relationships are accomplished while wearing shoes.

Burden

It is, I think, time to set down the burden of my heart.

Accept The "Maybes"

If you anticipate the "maybes" becoming facts, you will be disappointed when they stay at the maybe level.  Stay away from the pretense and accept uncertainty as part of life, and not merely an incidental part.

More To Learn

There may be more to learn, but is there a real need to know it?  At what point is there diminishing returns, with the effort to learn providing less worth knowing?

Learning to Let Go

To let go of parts of life is easier than letting go of others.  Big things are more readily set aside.  They are less important.  What seems more fragile we do not readily let go of, but it will not be free until we do.  In their freedom is our own as well, and it may be that our protecting was not always as protective as it seemed.  If sometimes it has been, at other times it may not have been.  Despite their vulnerability and our fear we will at some point have to trust they will be all right, but trust remains the harder part.

Only Cultural

What seems intolerable enough to be universally wrong may still be only cultural.

Laughter or Anger

The pizza store was crowded, too many customers and too few workers.  The choice was to laugh to be angry.  Those who laughed did not get indigestion.

Memories

Wonderful memories contain the sad realization that those times are over.

A Little Rage and Shouting

I have been too long at this to think raging and shouting are of value, but I would sometimes like to pretend.  I would once in awhile like to shout and stomp around, but I would feel foolish more than anything else.

Conversations With God

I propose such wonderful plans which you seem to ignore, which I find annoying; and the plans you offer, if you actually are offering them, are frightfully vague.  Being God does not require you to do otherwise, but I would like to review alternatives and you might want to consider lapses in your communication skills.

Must-Ness

The sign reads, "You Must Be Born Again."  The "mustness" of it is annoying.  It does away with even a semblance of freedom.  If it were instead to say, "You May (Might Want To, Could If You Like, Can Try To) Be Born Again," I would not take a different road to avoid it.

False Forgiveness

They make sure to notice the weakness of others.  It enables them to be so much more magnanimous in their understanding.  Standing in for God (who, they are sure, would want them to) they can also forgive with an enthusiasm to make him proud.

Overstating Adam's Sin

We overstate Adam's sin, whatever it might be, since there is nothing so great it can exceed God's goodness and willingness, and even eagerness, to forgive.  Understanding and care are the nature of God.  Being offended and vindictive are the lesser aspects of our own.

Entangled in Gratitude

If what Jesus offers is freely given wouldn't "thank you" suffice?  We can recognize without becoming entangled in the eternal gratitude that dominates the freedom of the gift.

Not So Eternal

It is odd how quickly things that seemed eternal are undone by the simplest acts.

Life Goes On

The process of life is eternal.  Specific lives begin and end.  Participation of individuals -- what they take from or offer -- is less significant, because the process goes on.  In one form or another it continues, and life is uncritical, making no judgment on how individual lives are lived.

Path to the Obvious

I would like to take a less tortuous path to the obvious, but it remains what I do.

Embrace the Center

We are, for much of life, in flight from the center of our being, aware of its emptiness and silence, fearing perhaps that it must also be a sad place, too sad to be so essential.  To avoid it we can surround ourselves with people and noises, with thoughts and discussions too profound to have importance.  Perhaps when we can embrace the center we will become free.  Maybe we will then be secure enough to be alone, satisfied to find the silence and at ease within ourselves.

Settling Into A Moment

Much of the time spent in pursuit of meaning is poorly utilized.  Better to settle into the moment than to try to eternalize it with a significance it need not have.

Centering Oneself

To base one's own life on the significance it has to others or to see it only in terms of someone else's definition is to build a false edifice.  It is an outer layer, built from outside, with no central core.  Ideally, the individual should be able to set aside what others might think is life's meaning or significance, or what anyone else considers essential to it.  He should be able to own the center of his own self and there make the decisions about his being.

Asking Too Much

There is probably a limitation to most things, to relationships too, and asking that they continually provide more is to overtax them and so they can offer less.

To see anything is to be aware also of its opposite

The Value We Assign

The value we assign our lives and the significance we assign the lives of others is subjective.  Drawing upon a number of sources (cultural, religious, familial) we assign a value, but it remains of value only so long as we maintain it as something of significance and provide reinforcement of the initial valuation.

Sense of Self

It may speak more of their sense of self than it does their opinion of Jesus that people from their town should not be successful.

Discourteous God

Being God ought not mean you can overlook the requirements of courtesy and remain unresponsive, as you do.  This arrangement where I talk and you say nothing does not work, at least from my perspective.  I do not know what you derive from it but I am tiring of it pretty quickly.

Not Wanting to Change

It is not that change is impossible, but he just does not want to make that "one more" adjustment, and there will always be one more to make, which is not so bad except that he says he has made enough.  There are always more and no matter how long life might be it would always be incomplete.  There would always be something else to do, or to consider; another thought, idea or option; something to be seen or experienced; and people we had not yet met.  He would rather stop than pursue them.  I am not sure that is a choice.

Helmets

People on bicycles are starting to wear helmets.  Those on motorcycles are taking them off.  In this there is a lesson, probably a silly one.

Back on Track

"Miracles happen" was what seemed the gospel message, and they occurred equally in the life of the official who asked the woman too timid to speak.  Neither event called for the altering of nature.  Instead they were the restoring of its expected course, and so the little girl lived, as little girls should, and the hemorrhage ended, as it should never have occurred.

God's Absence

My friend said he can see God's hand not only in looking back and bringing forward the recognition that time and distance provide, but also in the moment.  I thought there were times when I could say perhaps it was God who had provided opportunities and indicated options, but when looking at other aspects it was not so readily seen.  I am not at all sure what might be God's role in individual lives and in many there is scant indication that a benevolent presence is at work within or around them.

I wonder is my friend inclined to give God's name only to some of life's directions and might there have been few enough tragic turns to make him wonder might it be not God but chance that was taking a hand.  Perhaps it is when we look out of desperation for God's presence that we find it hardest to discern and maybe this is a question only those who have not seen it can answer.

Choosing Not to Change

Knowing what is at the center and the reason for our concern will not necessarily alter the choices we make, since we can prefer old ways to new, and no matter how true the discovery we can dismiss or decline incorporation of it.

What Ought To Be

At times, as there is less basis for it, I feel that much more confident, thinking perhaps (in spite of past experience) that what ought to be will be.

Pretending

There is a certain safety in pretending it is all alright, and maybe sometimes it will be.

Jesus's Life

How might it have differed if instead of the drama afforded by an untimely and tragic death, Jesus had been asked to live out a normal span of years.  Were there no martyr's death, would it have enhanced or diminished his role?

Saying No

He says "no" within himself and every so often he says it aloud.  The specific focus of the "no" is unclear.  It may well be to all of life or to only what is currently before him.  Whatever the source, he needs to shout away the prospect of its realization.  The "no" must drive away the intruding "yes," and maybe what is so offensive is the intrusion of hope.

Investment in Therapy

There are a number of people spending more time and energy in therapy than they are on life.  The investment is so great it is little wonder they resist recovery.

Children

I find each day I have the world's nicest children.  They are good and kind people.  They have their mother's heart.

Art

It is only lines and colors.  How they are arranged makes them art.

The Church's Forward Movement

It is probably a favorable sign that fewer people are going to church and those attending are contributing less.  It is indicative of discernment rather than a decline in their religious sense.  They are being better consumers, noting the product is less serviceable and asks or expects more than it provides.  There is probably a relationship between people's spirituality and their disappointment.  They may even have shifted to a level exceeding that of the church, so that they are becoming less able to communicate with it.

Church has at other times lost touch and needed to reach a degree of estrangement from the people, and from the ideal of itself, at which time it has caught up with where the people have led.  Then for a time church and believers remain in harmony, until the people again move forward.  Each step in this process takes longer than we might wish, but it is in the nature of progress that we do not trust it as we might, and so we make it proceed more slowly that it could.

Not Reason Enough

The futility of some things is no reason not to pursue them.

Perspective on Prayer

He says we call it prayer so we won't seem to be talking to ourselves, though what we say are the same obsessive complaints, requests, and whinings, only now they are referenced to God.

God's Mistakes

One of God's early mistakes was letting people know he had power.  They then expected he would use it in ways they determined.  Another was in letting them know he was perfect.  It was an impossible standard, since people's notion and expectation of perfection varied as well.  He might have been better to advertise as "nicer than earlier notions of God, less capricious where I have choices and wishing you well no matter what the outcome."

Entitled to Tantrum Behavior

They were feeling entitled to tantrum behavior.  The game had become that important, or maybe because they had seen it on television they think the tantrum is an integral part of the game, and that placating them is what coaches and parents ought to do.  The placating has, of course, a reinforcing effect, and even though they are only kids playing a game it has taken on the appearance and intensity of even younger children frustrated by reason's intrusion on their self-absorbed way of life.  Throwing helmets or bats, pounding on the ground and crying suggest it has lost its "gameness" and the feeling that the yelling and slamming are important demonstrations of one's commitment to the contest suggests we may be a society too concerned with appearance, too focused on winning and pursuit of more foolishness than could ever be helpful.

When God Spoke

Back when God was making covenants he would call people together, tell them what he wanted, seal the bargain, and be on his way.  It was hardly democratic, but at least he spoke.

The Language of Depression

When each day is such a burden, the prospect of a longer life -- which to others might seem a promise -- becomes instead a frightful prospect.  It is a sentence, and simply moving is so hard to do.  It would be a relief to foresee an end to the obligation to sustain life and to no longer pretend it is as exciting as it may seem through other eyes.  It is not that it is devoid of satisfaction.  Were that so I would have despaired far sooner.  It is the prospect of having to continue where such moments are more the exception, and where in its place emptiness seems to grow.

I get tired of saying, "one more day."  Were it only one more I could handle it better, but it is not one and despite the love of those around me it seems so often so very alone.  I feel so often I am pretending I understand how others' lives are, that I am visiting in a different world when I am with them, even when they are people about whom I care so very much.  For a long time -- as long as I can remember -- life has cycled back to the sadness, with its familiarity and pain.

It is not to be shared, and times I have tried to it was no better and seemed worse in some ways since I was offering it to someone who would be no better for hearing it spoken, nor would that person ever really understand that this is not a passing thing, a moment of sadness that is gotten through or over and then life goes on.  They did not really speak the language (which I am grateful to say) and so thought these words had different meanings.  But the pain is not to be dismissed and it resists understanding, and most of all it never really goes away.

Promises

We are better keepers of lesser promises.

Value

Few things have value apart from the associations they contain, the memories they may evoke.

Incomplete

No matter the length of life it could always seem incomplete.

Dream Interpretation

I dreamt I was making violins and each was perfect until the next one was begun.  It was interesting that I seemed most absorbed in the neck, where in guitars the frets are located, confirming my having fretted to excess.  (So much for dreams and their interpretation).

Our Boundaries

We are limited by the boundaries we establish, and so if we say this is the correct or only way to act, think, or believe we can go no further and must become defensive, less welcoming, and we will feel obliged to condemn diversity -- a sad and unavoidable prospect.

Priorities

People who think money is so important end up on teams owned by George Steinbrenner.

Stay or Go

Until we want to stay, it may not be time to go.

Misplaced Worry

I worry about the wrong things.  I always have.  I want to manage and limit.  Controlling (or pretending to) where trust would be more fitting.  I am unsettled by love and would keep it at a distance if I could, forgetting it is love and so need not be frightening.

Kingdom

Back when the kingdom was like trees and fields and living things, it was a nicer kingdom, a more welcome place than it can sometimes seem now that birds nest less often in it.

Gift

James' gift was best of all.

These Stones

These stones that mark where we have come to rest are not us.  No matter how grand or humble, they simply note an end of a journey.

Deferred Foolishness

Why wait so long to become foolish?  When we could have it out of the way in adolescence, we instead defer it to a point when it is even more out of line.

Better Summary

I asked Albert to read something.  He instead asked me to tell him what it was about.  The telling was shorter and more of value.

One World, At What Cost

They were saying it could be one world, but meant it would have to be one at the cost of diversity, and so we would become as they were with a single governmental and economic system, to be followed by a single system of values and beliefs, with only one language, and so while we could speak together it would have to be about what used to be, since the moment would have lost its savor.

Serious Laughter

He laughed as much at serious questions as he did at the more basic.  He was equally insightful in all contexts.

Chosen

To think one is chosen is to incur an obligation that may not be actual.

Religion's Humanity

Religions can sometimes be territorial and protective of what seems their turf, and they demonstrate their fear, calling it instead something else.  They also demonstrate their lack of faith, marking them as human.

Sacred

Unless we recognize the sacred we will feel entitled to destroy.

Misunderstanding

The young man asked and Jesus responded, and because he did and because the man wanted to hear even more, Jesus may have thought he was also agreeing.  Perhaps he did, but in the end the man went away.  Maybe his understanding had been only of the words.  Maybe the young man's sadness was as great as Jesus' own at what might have been, but in that moment could not be.

Wanting to Stop Giving

He is tired of giving, tired too of considering what others might need.  He is only reluctantly willing to honor commitments, and determined to make no new ones.  Giving is not so terrible a thing, but he wants now to stop.  Not so that he can instead take, but rather so he can do nothing.  It is to me an understandable notion, but as long as there is life it will be marked by this focus on what is needed or wanted by someone else, and so if there is a change it will be in the reluctance with which he responds rather than in the responding.  For whatever reasons we get into patterns and styles, ways in which we deal with others, and for him (and maybe me as well) it has become centered on what is their need and on what is the right thing to do, with the right thing defined by response rather than avoidance of it.

We would like to think in giving we also receive, and that is true much of the time, but giving is sometimes just giving, and there are times when it is more a burden than it ought to be.  To stop giving is perhaps why people anticipate retirement and why we welcome independence in children.  It is why zeal gives way to tolerance, and I well understand his wish, but life is not so easily latered.

Right or Wrong

When things seem clearly right or wrong, realize we are looking at them apart from their occurrence in actual lives.

Beware Strategy

The more reliant we are on strategy, the more liable we are to fail.

Present Moment

Held by the past and drawn by the future we can in the present moment seem to be nowhere at all.  The "somedays" and the "used to be's" can exert such a pull that now is but the tension between them.

Settling on a Legacy

If we knew with certainty that life was ending, what would we leave as a legacy, a lesson we would want others to share?  I suppose we might be too concerned about how we would be remembered to be as honest as we might be, even at this late hour.  We would review how we had utilized time and energy, rejecting what had so far been its focus in favor of something else.  We might see there is little to be learned and even less to be shared of what derives from survival needs and how we met them.  Distilling life should come to more than thoughts of getting by, even if it is getting by in style.  That, we would hopefully see, is not its essence.

It is an occasion to review life and we might do well to prepare the lesson before being required to present it.  We might in the process come to a number of cliched statements, some of which might readily be disposed of, while others might seem of value.  In the end it may be the person who has no legacy, who finds nothing so absolute, who has the best gift.  Maybe when there is nothing to be said we will have attained a better state, and offering its silence may be what will be best.

Reverting to Strength

Somewhere in evolution physical strength was more essential, but it gave way to more subtle means of managing life and the environment in which it takes place.  Unfortunately, we are sometimes reluctant to effect this development, applying it more selectively than is beneficial, resorting instead to strength in its more dramatic -- if least effective -- forms.  If we are not always secure in the developmental process, we would do better to do nothing rather than reverting and calling it virtue.

More Intensity

Does an increase in intensity equal a decrease in significance?

Spider

Spider has made an elaborate system of webs, but because it is between the windows no other insects come.  Still he spends the day improving upon it.

Not Tragic

This is only very difficult.  Try not to make it tragic instead.

The futility of some things is no reason not to pursue them

The Fine Conspiracy

When they ask how you are, say, "Fine."  Say, "I'm fine, very fine, and you?"  They'll be fine, as fine as you, whether either or you actually is or not.  It is a conspiracy, you see.  The way we protect ourselves, it becomes the "fine conspiracy."  Even though each of us has a greater or lesser slice of the pain, and even if at the center of each person there is great emptiness and such fierce sadness, we never have to say so.  Instead, we say, "Fine.  Everything is very fine indeed."  The ones who betray the conspiracy, we call them crazy sometimes, or we avoid their honesty as though it were the plague.  If they do not say "fine," they will not be asked again, and if they have dared say the extent of their confusion or the depth of their hurt we must isolate them, making them answer sometimes to the name of "insane," if we need to.  Once we have made that occur it becomes a name they can never abandon, not even if they agree to be "fine."  They may agree and pretend right along with the rest of us, but having once said it was not so they can never be believed.  Telling some truths, you see, affects one's credibility.

The Hardest Part

Trust remains the hardest part and so only after trying to control, deny, manipulate, and escape do we come to where we should instead have begun.

Compartmentalizing Life

I have compartmentalized life, placing each relationship and every aspect of time into its own part of memory, insulated or protected each from the others even though protection may not have been what was in their interest.  I limit their interaction and in some instances their very awareness of one another.  I am trying to control and maybe it is not as protective as I think, though I am not so sure of that.

Moments

While we can alter the moment, we cannot forget it occurred.

Doing What's Right

The rule is that you always do what is right, and the "always-ness" of it never ends.  It is not that you do not do what is wrong.  That is a rule for someone else, and they get to have "shoulds," not "have tos."  It is not fair, but neither will it change.

Trying to Control Feelings

We feel what we feel.  Virtue instead must be developed, and so love is not the same as charity.

Settling Into Reasonableness

Having considered the magical and the ridiculous we settle reluctantly into the reasonable as a response to problems.  We might do well to eliminate that early phase, but perhaps it is where we dissipate our anxiety.

No Longer Academic

It sometimes stops being an academic process and in those moments it can become frightening.

Alternative Directions

I would like to think there is a direction and purpose apart from the ones we sometimes seem to see, and in spite of our determination to direct and control life.

Stuck

Betsy is, of course, right.  I have been stuck in what seemed wise and reasonable, where I often get stuck, though not always so badly.  I have been listening more to my fear than she has to her heart.  I wish there were never the need to trust, but when there is I wish I could do it with more ease.

Being Mocked

It does not seem quite fair that in the end my own clichés would turn out to mock me.

Worst Outcomes

Worst possible outcomes hold that title only until further alternatives are considered.

Proper Perspective

When I die, I would like to have my nose on for the wake and funeral.  I would also like the priest and congregation to do the same, since it may put the event in proper perspective.

Sustaining the Magic

He is back into the cycle of magic, having finally met the person he was destined to meet, the one the other destined people had been preparing him for.  Of course, she also feels the magic and if this is like other times they will, in trying to sustain the wonder, undo whatever might have been; and so the despair can return.  Hopefully, he can allow this to be other than magic, and that she can too.  Maybe then reality, with its real and realizable expectations, will have a chance.  The real wonder is the absence of magic, the not needing to sustain who people are in our need.  The wonder is in the quiet and in the permitting each other the freedom to be ordinary people making free and ordinary choices.

Nothing Sacred

When anything is too sacred to be laughed at, we have perhaps lost our perspective on it.  This seems true of people in our government and of their policies, and it may well apply to other aspects of life as well.

Revitalizing Ancient Hatreds

People with shorter memories would not feel the need to revitalize the ancient hatreds, recalling past hurts with such ferocity and so entitled to inflict newer ones.

Not A Discussion

If they were going to require agreement, they should not have called it discussion.

Explaining Why

We seem better able to say what we might do, which is the practical aspect of therapy, than why we would, which is the philosophical and more essential component.

Wrong Inferences

They seem to infer that not to be one thing (be it feminist, Christian, liberal, or any number of other things) is to be its opposite, and so antagonistic.  It is a silly way to be and suggests at least some things are less secure than the noise surrounding them would want to suggest.

Doing Less

The less we do -- the fewer interventions we make and the less we say -- the more trust we indicate in the person's ability to take control of (or to recognize control over) his or her life, but in therapy as elsewhere trust is the more difficult part.

Safely Old

My friend was suddenly and safely old, secure beyond any need to appear glamorous or interesting.

A More Painful Process

The more we focus on what seems to be wrong, the less well do people get.  We might know more about what ails them, but it ails them more in the process.

A Diminished Vision

The more we try to say, the less we truly add and so as we try to define God we instead diminish him.  We limit the limitless trying to squeeze it into the narrow space required by our insecurity.  The result is a smaller, rather than a grander, God.

The Difference

We act as though the technique will make the difference, as though knowing how would be the solution, but it is really simpler than that.

Revision

I had written, "we need to trust."  I read it later as, "we need to rust," which may also be true.

Too Much Theory

We may rely too much on theory and too little on ourselves.

Too Little To Share

I have been fortunate in those who have loved me even though my response has not always equalled theirs.  Too tentative and lacking in faith, I have been a more wary recipient with too little to share.

Friends At Work

Why do people we work with think we should also be friends?  Why can't the relationship remain focused on the job?  Is it, I wonder, a more universal phenomenon or is it more common here, an American experience?  Why are we so insecure that the prospect of work being a working relationship does not meet the perceived entitlement?  Does the value of working together diminish if we cannot carry it beyond into friendship, and why is that the case?

Something Else

After we have looked at all that is reasonable and considering what others may think, say or believe, we realize it is the "something else" that defines each person and provides significance to that life.

To Simplify Life

If we would simplify life, we would do well to give up our resentments as well as our possessions, since those resentments are at least as restricting and holding on to them stands in the way of satisfaction.

After Three Hours

What was interesting for an hour became all too familiar in two, and just silly be the third.

Less Profound, More Cliché

Perhaps the more profound we become the less we have to offer.  It is the triteness of our profundity emerging.

Today May Be Enough

He wishes some days there were more time, but realizes too that no matter how much might be available it might not be enough.  There would be more to do, more to realize, more things to be written, read, or thought about, and that would always be so.  That being the case, time -- or at least its length -- may not be the issue after all.  Today may really be enough, and more might add only length and that would be of insufficient value.  Were it to end at this juncture, it would be no less complete.  It is already full today.

Music

Listen to the music rather than analyze it and at some time permit awareness to replace even the listening.

College Night

At college night it was satisfying to be with James and to hear him express interest in art and writing.  So much more valued than a focus on things that could only make money.

Play

Stop competing.  Instead, just play the game.

Talk of Problems

The more they talk of problems they have, or have had, and even of those they anticipate having, the farther they are from ever being well, despite the intensity of the conversation.

Looking for Questions

Life is not unlike "Jeopardy."  We are given answers and look for questions to match them, whether we need to or not.

Driving Nails in Concrete

Mike had said you can drive nails into concrete if you believe it is possible, and if you hit them with an expectation that it will occur.  A similar expectation would be worth having for other jobs as well, and for other aspects of life.

Faith in Therapy

Therapy is essentially an act of faith requiring that therapist and client believe in its capacity to alter aspects of life that have to this moment been intrusive and sometimes destructive.  The belief that change can occur makes it possible, enabling both participants to invest in the process.  Without faith on either side of the exchange nothing can occur, other than confirming the basis of non-belief.

Talkers vs. Thinkers

The talkers felt compelled to talk, which left no time for thinking.  The thinkers had no inclination to talk, being content within themselves despite what they said.  They were, unfortunately, sharing the same space and so neither could be entirely satisfied.  The talkers required listeners.  The thinkers called for silence.  Left long enough, each could feel offended, taking as personal affronts the presence of one another.

Truth Value

When someone says "honestly," "truthfully," "to tell you the truth," or "in all honesty," it is reasonable to assume that what follows, and much of what preceded, was of dubious value.

Questionable Skills

They were skilled at what they did.  It was, however, a question whether there was an actual need for what they were doing.

Only Dreams

Unfortunately, dreams at times are only dreams.

A New Creed

He has gone through the creed, crossing out the parts that, though true, are not essential to his own faith, and which on occasion might obscure what he sees as the "center of the core."  It was a much abbreviated statement and seemed better for the change.  It might be something each of us could try.

Only Grateful

I am no longer amazed by the goodness of my children.  Only grateful.

Beyond the Door

You might really have been there.  This time when it seemed you might be just beyond that door I wondered would I need to look and decided that, no, that like other times your presence seemed more real I would be satisfied in knowing it will be all right, but there is no need to know, and if there were no assurance would actually be there.

Needing Laughter

We will always need a capacity to giggle at ponderous notions and intense people.

Isaac's Sadness

I wonder was Isaac saddened to think his father would more readily listen to God than to his child.

God's Heart

When we can more readily think of God in his kindness and acknowledge his care more easily than we do his power, and when we can see our own goodness instead of any potential for wrong, then we will have seen into God's heart, and our own as well.

Shorter Presentations

A number of people are more effective in responding to questions than they are at presenting information, so maybe shorter presentations (maybe only the naming of a topic) would suffice.

In the Moment

If it is not complete in the moment, it will never be.

Fading Out and Settling In

So determined was the president to have an impact, but no sooner had his term ended than his fame and influence began to recede.  That is as it ought to be in the careers of presidents, and in the lives of others.  It would be unfortunate were we to pursue life so that our participation in it would require such memorializing.  No matter who he might be, or what he might say or do, no one is so much a part of life that he must extend beyond his moment.  Either gradually or more suddenly, everyone is expected to fade.

That is as it should be and so it becomes more importantly to live inwardly, settling into the satisfaction at the center of being, rather than outwardly in the hope that others might marvel or appreciate what was accomplished.  It is the distinction between doing and being, and it is trusting ourselves to recognize the value of life rather than hope someone in another time will say it was of value.

Party Savior

It was a party where each guest was expected to be scintillating enough to save the entire event and to have resources enough to engage and carry everyone else, and so as each person entered there was an excited greeting and expectant stare, with enthusiastic nodding as he or she displayed resources that never did prove adequate to the task.  As new guests joined older ones, sinking into the furniture, scrambling for the redeeming bit of conversation, all eyes turned to the door in anticipation of the next candidate for savior of the party.

More Data

When unsure what else to do or when threatened by the process, there is an inclination to respond by collecting more data.

God Is More Than Forgiveness

The emphasis on forgiveness is nice enough, but it assumes there must also be something to be forgiven, that we must be very busy at sin to keep pace with its remission, when in truth I doubt there is anyone in the congregation who can recall or anticipate doing sufficient wrong in a moment, much less on an ongoing basis.  Even were we to think in terms of a human condition of which sin may have been an aspect, we would not meet the standard.  There is too much forgiveness for what may require forgiving.

Either we are forgiven or we are not.  If we are, we should move on to a different topic.  If we are not, it makes no difference.  By considering only this aspect of God's relationship to us we may be overlooking, or diminishing the significance of, all else he does or what he might prefer to see as identifying traits.

The Consequences of Salvation

She has taken on that beatific appearance seen usually on the chronic care ward or on born again people.  She used to be nice but salvation, if that is her affliction, has instead made her so intensely sincere that I fear she has in the process become terribly dull.

Being unable to trust they instead made rules

Last Resort

It is sad when only war can bring the nation together.

Our Brothers' Keepers

We may wish we were our brothers' keepers, that we had a means of controlling their choices, and of keeping them from destructive choices, but the sometimes sad truth is that we have no choice, no control.  If we did, and could make our brothers be good and better people, we would have done so long ago.  If we had the capacity to take over their distress we would have, but that is not and never was ours to do.  We can offer and we might share.  We can listen and we can make some things available, but we cannot be them or alter their more essential selves.  Their choices are available to them.

Material assistance is all we sometimes have and while we can offer that it is not anything that will make whole the souls of our brothers.  Know that when we offer, they are free to decline and that what we offer entitles us to receive nothing in return.  The reward, if we needed one, was in the offering.

Power of Memory

Sometimes days long over seem so much more real than the moment can be.  Memory makes them so.

More Control, Less Trust

The more control we assume, the more do we demonstrate our reluctance to trust.

Being Remembered

If they really want the immortality that being remembered may imply, they are not alone.  Even if only a few people remember them, for only a little while, it promises a significance they were unaware of.  It is saying they really did live and their lives meant more than they had sometimes seemed.

Less Formal

Being old seems to limit the need for formality, maybe because there is no time for it.

Ballplayers Eating Breakfast

Where else but Spring Training do grown men and women act this way, feeling their day has been a success because they saw a ballplayer having breakfast, just like real people do.

Survival

Narrowing the focus of life to its most essential features enables them to survive and survival is their highest goal.  It is not the focusing of contemplation and not something for which others might strive.  It is more like the gathering in of oneself that we see among the wounded, the conserving of self that lessens the pain and permits the moment to be tolerable.  That same woundedness seems to follow the poor.

Moving Past Old Stories

Had he done what he thought God was asking, had Abraham killed his child, then no matter what might have been promised would have lost its value.  The victory Agamemnon achieved had lost its significance when at the outset he sacrificed his child.  He may even have welcomed the death that awaited his return, finding it more fitting than any celebration might have been.  I realize the Abraham story is intended as an example of faith, and maybe it is present in Agamemnon's story too, but faith or duty are not so clearly present.  To borrow another story from the Greeks, Odysseus is shown not to be crazy when he cannot kill his child, a more hopeful value of where values might better lie.

For Paul, it seemed a mark of God's love that he would not spare his child.  I think it could as easily be a basis not to trust since he who would love his son less might not love us at all.  I would rather believe the time for stories such as these is over and that whatever message they might have offered has been replaced by concern for one's own children and a reluctance to find hope in death of any sort.

This Little World

We spend so much time in this little world we begin to think it is big.

Our Limitations

There are things we cannot do and people we cannot help.  That it is so is only reasonable and sometimes so terribly true.  That we wish we could and that we feel badly about the limits of our response is perhaps what reflects our character.

Local Color

What passes for local color could as easily be called ignorance.

Wishes For Feelings

He wondered would it suffice to wish he felt what he wished he could feel.  It wasn't much, but it would have to do.

Competent

Only be being competent do we reinforce a sense of competence.

Second Guessing

Their rehearsal of what they should have said or what will be said next time dissipates some distress while inviting other anxieties.

Security

Few of us are as secure in reality as we are in our minds.

Our Discomfort

We cannot tell people to feel differently than they do.  The feeling is theirs, even though the discomfort with it may be mainly ours.

What Gets Shared

We share well the burden others might offer, but our own sadness and pain is only our own.  There never seemed much point in talking of it and less in sharing it.  It has stayed a solitary thing, which is all right, despite the wish of those who care for us and who would gladly divide the weight of it.

Diagnosis

Having to be saved at all implies there was something defective in the individual.  To have to be saved a second time is to imply it was worse than first thought.

Support Like Anger

They call it "supporting the soldiers."  The demonstrations of this support seem so terribly angry and seem meant to forestall dissent.  Perhaps this anger, like that arising in other instances, masks insecurity and fear.

Restraint

Do not tell what there is no need to hear.

Even Terrible Moments

Even the terrible moments pass, though we recall their having been.

Slipping Beyond The Moment

He has, he said, gained a power over time though it is a passive power, enabling him to slip beyond the moment.  It is the declining to focus in the present, an abandoning of contact with the moment, and when he returns to it there is awareness he was not in time, at least not this time, though where along the line of moments he has been is less certain, and even less is it a concern.  I suggested it seemed more like daydreaming, of a non-directive sort, but he was not inclined to think so and was thinking how he might next slip beyond space.