tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45309703377188011192024-03-08T01:04:25.427-05:00In The Spring...My father was a writer. He wrote all of his life, inflicting upon many of us his novels, plays, articles, essays, and self-help books. Some were marvelous; some merely well-intentioned. But of all the things he wrote, his journal is his legacy: by turns wise and bewildering, it neared 1,100 type-written pages when he died in 2010. Although perused many times, this is the first time it will be read - cover to cover, page after page.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.comBlogger1738125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-53224750985472899812016-02-14T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:44:30.729-05:00Less FreeWe are less free the more freedom we seem to have. We can equate time and options with freedom and the more of either we have the more free we may think ourselves, though the need to fill the time and respond to the options intrudes rather than liberates.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-9281995626232624622016-02-13T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:42:48.650-05:00No DestinationWithout a destination we have already arrived. With no place to be we are already where we need to be.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-53632841057506646652016-02-12T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:41:34.560-05:00Writing to ControlSteve was talking of a particular pathology and noted they write in order to gain a semblance of control. I do not have the pathology he was speaking of, but maybe the rest was true -- we write as a way of appearing in control, which is not terrible as long as we know at best we have an appearance.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-12192508447595205632016-02-11T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:39:40.767-05:00DestinationsWhen there is no destination you need only be where you are. It is sometimes easier to have a destination. That way, if the moment becomes uncomfortable we can rush over to the new location.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-3103583903366179872016-02-10T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:38:11.243-05:00RehearsingIf we rehearse, we undo.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-20873412925368569292016-02-09T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:37:28.557-05:00Sharing ExperiencesThe less we bring (the less rehearsed or determined we are to offer something specific) the more can we take from the experience since it enables the other person to share. Expertise intrudes upon the process.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-31925494614191990232016-02-08T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:35:42.849-05:00The Value of EducationThe value of education is not in the questions it answers, but in those it raises.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-35660138614252357232016-02-07T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:34:41.932-05:00Hearts or MindsWhether we keep things in our hearts or in our minds is probably important.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-83999929299076042762016-02-06T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:33:49.211-05:00Trust at StakeFailures of trust occur only when there are significant things at stake. It is easy to trust where the outcome has not personal significance. It is easy to trust when those closest to us are not at risk.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-85863937675779220852016-02-05T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:29:56.500-05:00Flying SchoolAll I remember from flying school is Bruce saying, "fly the airplane." That's when anything happens -- when you are looking for a place to land, trying to restart the engine or putting out a fire, you continue to fly. Life is not so very different.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-67332665995776936452016-02-04T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:27:52.371-05:00Up to DateI have no interest in being up to date. I do not want to dress in current fashion, take an interest in popular culture, listen to music less than thirty years old, have conversations with most born after the Kennedy years (except some children). I do not want to hear new ideas that are not new at all or see art that strikes me as foolish. No pictures needed to be rated 'R' are of interest, and most are rated 'PG.' Nor will I wear my hair as today's people do. I want no stylists as long as I can find a barber. I do not want to live or work in anything made mostly of concrete, or where the windows will not open. I am not willing to spend half as much for a car as I did for my home, but otherwise (with a few additional conditions) I am generally tolerant of the day.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-11775341530962872982016-02-03T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:23:59.286-05:00SecretThey came running to hear the secret and were annoyed to learn there was none.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-48235676491661922282016-02-02T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:23:05.523-05:00PowerlessnessAs we acknowledge our powerlessness, we are grabbing for control.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-23406204955877795562016-02-01T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:21:55.491-05:00Starring RoleHe plays what he thinks is a starring role when in truth it is nothing of the sort. As long as he does not know it is a spear carriers' part he can play it quite well. Not all truths make us free.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-18176044461797839032016-01-31T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:20:31.796-05:00Believing in LoveEven knowing it is not so we can believe we are so loved as we wish we were.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-36889345378693431412016-01-30T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:19:10.274-05:00A MomentI was convincing myself that I am not really as sad as I so often seem. I was trying to recall and revivify moments without fear or sadness, and that did not even stand in their shadow. I recalled several and am sure there were others, but one stood apart as a complete moment. It had lasted only the briefest time and was so unspectacular that no one watching would even have noticed, but it is enough and remains so even after so many years.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-67871311601395175122016-01-29T07:00:00.000-05:002019-11-03T11:16:14.545-05:00Doing Away WithWhat we can do away with, rather than what we might acquire, is the aim.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-57801888276918998852016-01-28T07:00:00.000-05:002017-11-26T17:17:46.524-05:00Mistaken NeedsPeople are saying "have to have" and "need to do" about some very silly things.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-3776345510109610652016-01-27T07:00:00.000-05:002017-11-26T17:16:14.518-05:00Holding TightlyHolding tightly may be more indicative of insecurity than of possession.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-420244624103738592016-01-26T07:00:00.000-05:002017-11-26T17:15:16.325-05:00A Step Beyond LifeThe dying to self is not what we do in order to come alive to or as someone else. As the dying to self of death, there is a willingness to set aside the assurance and predictability of the self in favor of the collective awareness of contemplation. It is not dying in the sense of losing or abandoning, and it has none of the despair the living associate with death. It is instead a hope-filled step beyond life as it is, and a settling out of being. It is what makes death transition, but not into a different existence, but instead to a transformation of what we would cling to had we less faith. There is no need to cling to life since that would be embracing incompleteness in fear of fulfillment.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-86574445056298101222016-01-25T07:00:00.000-05:002017-11-26T17:12:07.126-05:00Setting Aside the SelfThe more we can set aside the more likely are we to approach what is essential, and the more personal elements we surrender the more can we recognize the universal, realizing that surrender of self to it is not a sacrifice after all; but to do so requires a capacity for trust that may seem beyond us. It is hard to accept but it is only more of the paradox: as we have less need to be self, the more can we find the presence of the universal where the selfness had formerly been.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-85796038265385620882016-01-24T07:00:00.000-05:002017-11-26T17:07:54.806-05:00Beyond Yours and MineUnless they can go beyond "yours" and "mine," there will be no "ours."Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-85197015267584426452016-01-23T07:00:00.000-05:002017-11-26T17:06:41.522-05:00Too MuchWhen you do too much, you do nothing.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-57587146419470315392016-01-22T07:00:00.000-05:002017-11-26T17:05:55.992-05:00My MadnessI am used to visiting in wellness where things are resolved or capable of resolution but I then return to the madness of my own world pretending (though not calling it such) that the madness makes more sense, when all it is, is familiar.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4530970337718801119.post-75092499972471550942016-01-21T07:00:00.000-05:002017-11-26T17:03:35.929-05:00More Faithful to FearI have been more protective of the moment, more intent upon not disrupting it, and so have been less faithful to the future, keeping it instead at a distance and postponing its becoming present time. Betsy thinks, and rightly so, there is no need to wait and worry about its impact (which in the fantasy is always negative and so needing more to be deferred). She think things are done by doing them, that they then have an opportunity to work out and be adjusted to. They can then prove themselves undeserving of all that fear.<br />
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I believe she is right and that she has been, but I am more faithful still to the fear. Hope and trust are not as available as I might wish. I am faithful also to the sadness, perhaps because it has been so long with me. It is no longer what I sometimes have, having become over time who I am. While good things happen I do not trust them, as I do not trust moments of happiness. They are not as familiar or as reliable as the darkness has become.<br />
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That has, I think, always been with me. It is confirmed, rather than created, in sadnesses that now occur. In the darkness there is familiarity, but it is the satisfaction death might offer with its finality. There is no ready inclination to go beyond it and making it such a final or absolute state (one of essence rather than what sometimes occurs) has limited consideration of more hopeful options.<br />
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I have been again dragged to a point where I can accept goodness and begin trying to trust. It is no one else's choice and until I do I stand in the way of others who may go around me, but only with difficulty. I wish sometimes they would go around my sadness and go on seeking what I do not see, but I would miss them too. I want them to be free, but not so free that they leave me. I want to them to take me along, but to also leave me where I am. I wish they could thrive, but I expect it to show also how low I have fallen. I would like to say, "Go away, and go with the happiness that belongs in your hearts. Go, and don't look back, but I want them where I can still see them too."<br />
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I would be as pleased if I could avoid this choice and could settle into this partial life that is more familiar, but this is not as simply done as it had been and I know I can no longer put the choice outside myself. I either trust or allow another aspect to die. I wish I were less fearful but to be so I would have to act in a courageous way. I would have to do what I can to encourage hope and trust growing in lives other than my own, but that is the easier part. It is me who is the reluctant disciple of trust. I can show other people where freedom lies and I can even look out in that direction, but going there, doing rather than just thinking about it, is unfamiliar ground.<br />
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To say I am stuck, to say I feel trapped sometimes in this darkness, to find reasons to support doing nothing (or nothing just yet) is to avoid rather than postpone wellness and the prospect of being happy. I know that as I know other facts. How I acquired this debt to pain and how I determine sadness was so essential I am not sure, but even though they have been present or hovering as far back as I can remember, I still have choices.<br />
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I would be O.K. to go beyond the resolve, to think of life as more an answer than dying might seem, but it does call for more action than thought, for doing rather than deciding to do, and instead of writing it asks that I stand up and try hoping and trusting no matter how risky they seem. What is actually at risk is not so great compared to what instead might be attained. Stop waiting to be free.Jameshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13879958940213101805noreply@blogger.com0