Mirror Image

When I see John I sometimes see me.  It is O.K. most times, but other times I wish he could avoid some of what I have understood, or the ways in which I have understood life to be on some days.  I worry that he may have the same confining rules, and hope he can do things in less ponderous ways.

Perception

"You seem upset."

"No, it is just how I handle the prospect of joy."

Fewer Choices

There are fewer choices than we thought, which could be a consolation.

My Mantras

Each day I say to myself a number of things.  Some are those I had said the day before and some I have been saying for years, though they do not always seem so old.  In hearing them they are affirmed, or they show why they may be less worth repeating on the following day.  I say also to myself some newer things, and at times I am surprised by their presence.  They seem not to derive from places within me, nor do they fit so well with the older sayings.  Yet both the new and the old, even when contradictory, are mine.

Still Searching

We went to the Buddhist Center, one more place where whatever it is was not to be found.

Priorities

Far fewer things than we had thought are essential to life, but those that are really are.

Enough Time

There is always enough time unless we think we have so much to do.

Sadness Tournament

A number of people are thinking their distress more unique than it is and they resent the suggestion it is not so rare.  It has, it seems, become their most important aspect of self -- the defining trait.  Why is that?  Why is no suffering allowed equity with their own and why is the pain of anyone else so easily diminished?  It seems they must always win the sadness tournament.

Before the Ascension

I would have preferred Jesus saddened by the prospect of Ascension.  I would rather him miss his friends even before leaving them, and that he tell them so rather than simply leave.  I would rather have him regret the loss of them, no matter how short the time; but maybe he had already said those things.  Maybe he had spent that forty days in sharing and perhaps it was in that time he got to say: "Know I loved you, and don't be afraid to love each other; sing often and dance each chance you get; touch one another; let each other know you are trying to understand; don't let your friend become only your brother, and remember that brothers are more essential to one another than anyone else might ever be; don't let traditions end as long as they are good and helpful; offer assistance to those in danger of becoming creeps; trust each other."  Maybe it had all been said.  Still, I wish he had said goodbye, with a tear in each eye.

Another Name

They call some things determination and dedication, and others compulsive and destructive.  Same actions, different focus.

Destructive Aspects

People do not choose the destructive aspects of what they do.  These are but the consequence of their fear and uncertainty, even when they are what seem least evident.

Trying To Control Love

Each place and each person evoke feelings that while the same, in that we call them both love, the concern remains lest they not be able to bond one to another and in the process the love may be damaged.  I know I can be too protective and that in truth love may not need my concern and attempts to control.  It can flourish on its own.  I know too that love and fear are not the same.  But, that is only the knowing.

Foolish Things

The foolish things I do are the foolish things I have done.  That time has passed or the setting has changed makes them seem new.

Selective Interpretation

When talking of respect for life, only abortion and euthanasia were seen as wrong.  Death in war and by starvation were not mentioned, and so maybe it is having a choice that is the crime.

Living and Dying

He speaks of hating life, saying it has long since stopped being a gift, if ever it had been; but in truth it is only his own life that has become so intolerable.  In the lives of others he finds great value, and of them he is more caring.  I have felt that way and know it is just beneath the surface so ready to come forward, but I do not experience it with this same despair.  While not pursuing death, he would welcome it as a gift -- the gift living was unable to be.

Attending to Others

Fortunately, we need not be healthy to treat another's pain.  While we cannot care for ourselves we can still attend to the needs of others.

Defensive Sadness

He is concerned that abandoning his apprehension will bring something worse.  Anxiety in this sense is defensive.  It protects him against something that may be worse.  It may seem silly, but in the past any sense of ease or inclination to believe himself safe was the beginning of a new sadness.  It may not have been causal.  His relief and the start of hope may not have caused whatever followed, but he is not taking any chances.

Someone Else's Ideas

People call the "talk radio" station to share as their own the thoughts they heard on this same program the day before.

Inside Pain

People without their pain may not understand how they cope, but from inside their souls it makes all the sense in the world.  Observers can only observe.

The emptiness is not incidental to life

...And so it ends, as end it should

Springs are that way -- they end, but they come around again if you wait long enough.

On the Verge

On the verge of a reasoned response, the nuttiness offered a different suggestion.

Stories

Listen to their stories more than to their discussion.

Dad - 5 years

Individuality

Acquiring individuality need not be a tortuous process and probably better for being less dramatic.

Incomplete Life

No one ever gets everything, even though what he wants may be good.  Each choice preclude others, and so in that sense every life is, or should be, incomplete -- though it will be as complete as it can be.

Follow

He said, "Follow if you would be perfect," not that you had to be perfect at the start.

Inadequate God

It is perhaps a question of my expectation, but God, I find your response so woefully inadequate.  You may do well at sustaining the universe but in my life your presence and influence, at least on major issues, have been hard to find.  I notice I say you are because I wish you were, lest I be alone, but I am unable to see or feel indication of you and when I have asked I have heard only silence.

This House

God did not need this house.  It is here so we can be with each other.

Time to Reconcile

It is time to reconcile, to bring together or to discard, and to get on with it.

Saving Us

When God was saving us from exile or slavery it was more reasonable than saving us from us.

Loser

He could explain why he did not win, how fate had worked against him, but he was the loser nonetheless.