Pity

Is there anything worse than the pity of those we disdain?

Jesus's Time

At Cana Jesus thought it was not yet time.  I wonder when he thought it would be.  I wonder was he expecting a dramatic announcement.

Freedom to React

It is surprising how intensely people react to things that have no relationship to their lives.  Maybe it is because they are not related that they can feel this freedom to react.  Were they closer they would perhaps feel less able to say anything at all.

Choosing a New Tradition

Having devoted a fair bit of time to being sad and at times more miserable than seemed reasonable, I must say there is nothing to recommend it.  I realize some of it is habit, that the perspective or bias that incline me to this reaction, and the reaction itself, are of long standing.  It is also a learned response and I suppose tragic heroes are part of our tradition -- at least they are more prominent than others might be.

I would like now to consider other choices, and while it is a drastic change happiness seems a reasonable option; and so, rather than look for reasons to support or maintain the sadness it may be better to find reasons to set it aside, permitting myself to be better, with better and more faithful responses.  While faithful to self, this change is at odds with the tradition and so there is resistance.  It does not matter how strange and destructive a tradition may be, its being a tradition gives it frightful power -- but it is the power the healthy tradition will acquire once it becomes established.

Conjuring Memories

I would like to spend a day conjuring memories and fears so I could get them all cried at and out of the way, but it does not work that way.  They do not stay out of the way and each time is new.

One and True

When we talk of the one true Church we are inferring there are others less true, and maybe some that are even false, but there is no one truth and not one approach to God or a single way in which God comes nearer to us.  There is no "only way" in which we approach each other.  I suppose the one and true aspects slipped in at a time when we were less secure, and wondering how we might compare with others.  It is that insecurity that makes us pre-emptive in our criticism, like children wondering how they match up with others and needing to resort to exaggeration lest reality not suffice.  When we don't need to be the one and true anymore we will then be closer to the center of where we find God.

Living Someone Else's Life

I can at times think my life has become confused with someone else's, that somewhere there is a person awaiting the tragedy he knows he has earned, but it never arrives.  I wonder in those moments is he disappointed and how can I send him what he entitled to.  There is, on the other hand, no wonder that I have been mistakenly handed someone else's joy.  On those days I have no doubt who has earned it.  Unfortunately, this righting of the system does not occur as regularly as it might.  Nor does it stay in balance as long as it might.  I then hope whoever is living my life is appreciative of it, and I understand why he is not all that anxious to recover what has arrived at my door.

The Words of My Depression

I decided in the transcribing of these blurbs to include even the more morose aspects of my depressive episodes.  By looking at them when past, I can see their lack of proportion, as well as their power.

Our Focus on God

It seems we focus on God's activity.  Our creed is mostly action, and that is O.K. since actions are important, indicating God's intervention in life; but it is not a quiet belief so much as it is a busy one.  It may be better to focus for a time on the words and silences of God.  It would not diminish his action, but might provide an occasion for reflection, not on what he does but rather on who he is and who we are in his presence.

Religion and Spirtuality

Religion, because it feels it must make rules, is stuck saying things are good or bad, right or wrong; but spirituality does not make such judgments.  It is freer and fosters freedom in those who would pursue it.  The mistake we sometimes make is thinking that spiritual and religious are equivalent terms.

An Attempt at Kindness

We think we are protecting each other by avoiding what we know will be painful.  It is a kind thing we do and while it is ineffective we should not overlook the kindness.

Conversion

My conversion to New England living is almost complete.  I am thinking of becoming a Patriots fan.

Empty Christmas

Christmas became a very hard time when you were no longer here to share it.  It became a burden made tolerable in sharing it with the boys, but they grew beyond toys (as they were supposed to) and it has become a hard time once again, this year more than last because it is so uncertain and I see clearly how much sadness I offer to people I love.  I had thought some time ago I had celebrated my last Christmas.  I wish now it had been so.  Had life ended then there would be none of today's sadness.  The boys would be with Bob, Betsy would have lost a friend, but that did not happen and so it is another Christmas so empty of what the day should be, so empty of what it was when we made paper ornaments and hung pictures on our tree.

Experts on Other People's Choices

We are such experts to so little consequence in the lives of one another, so sure we are right about what others should do, while in our own lives -- the place where choices do exist -- we are all muddled and immobilized, at a loss to do the simplest things.  We avoid and pretend, waiting for the miracle while urging others to do what is available and to be decisive in doing so.  We are all reason and logic where friends or clients are the focus, but it does not cross over into the circle where we stand.

Lump

I had a lump.  It turned out to be benign.  I think I was disappointed.  I think this should have alarmed me, but it didn't, so I guess it is getting worse.  While I realize this is not so permanent, it is for now worse that it has been since I am seeing it as an improvement.

Wishing

Knowing how life is we can wish that wishing it were different would make it so, but it does not happen.  It does not become different just because it should.

Living Contradictions

Despite what we say, we act as though creation were flawed and salvation unattained.  We speak a more liberal doctrine while living personal lives that would suit a pilgrim.

My Traditional Silliness

Reality would be O.K. if it did not intrude upon my traditional silliness.  That it is tradition gives it a power with which reality can hardly compete.  In this setting wanting to pursue reality can even seem disrespectful.

Endings and Beginnings

Whole worlds can end with a single mistake.  Entire lives are unwound by one error in judgment.  It does not seem fair, though fair is never the question, and were we willing to be a bit more thorough we might see in the endings and undoings occasions to begin again, to alter the course of life.

Work Together

Doing the job is more important than having it finished, particularly when it is done together.

A Bit Extreme

He told me he had been tired of life since life began.  He said he had learned early that while others were eager to trust he never could, and that eventually the prospect of well-being was more terrifying than the familiar depression that hovered around him.  As a longtime member of the Depression Club I understood, though it sounded a bit extreme, which is how depression is.

Old Ways

Old ways are resistant to change and unhealthy old ways more so than most.

Take Advantage

There are moments in which significant change becomes possible.  It is the time when we can truly replace the death-oriented aspects with life and hope, but these are fleeting moments and the inertia that makes us wary of anything different -- no matter how healthy they may be -- can be expected to intrude.  If the moment passes and there is no commitment to life and change, there is no assurance this moment will again be offered.

Give some thought to thinking less

Living With the Rules

Once there is a rule -- be it, "I don't drink," or "I am not going to be satisfied," or any other -- it becomes the framework in which all else can or cannot happen, making it important to realize that apart from what is actually said there are the rules.  Therapy is in assessing them, and in altering, eliminating or replacing them so that those remaining enhance the process of living.  In doing this realize that some rules are better in the abstract, and that some will be inferred from what people do rather than from what is said.  Know too that people are not always aware that things have acquired the status of rules within their lives, and that they may have thought themselves operating with an entirely different system than is actually the case.

Resentment

I had not realized the extent to which I resent people wanting to know about me, especially when they want to know for the sake of knowing, or when they feel entitled to the information.  Of course, I also resent it when people want to help, when they want to know so they can make my life better or less troubled.  It is probably why I will only reluctantly share anything of value, and then only with those who will do nothing about what is said.  How I acquired this particular oddness is another question, one I do not wish to pursue.

Confused

They have done it again, confusing life's length with its fullness.

Another Day

Not everything needs to be dealt with, and of those that do not all need to be dealt with now.  Putting them off to another day is how a number of them will be handled.

Perspective

He thought it was loneliness but thinks now that with the least bit of reflection it could as easily have been solitude.

Center Stage

It is never far away and so it does not require very much to bring forward the sadness.  At the best of times it is waiting to move onto center stage, and once there it is as though it never left.