What Needs to be Done

It is not a question of not knowing what to do, but of doing it and most of the effort put in to denial and defending is wasted since we do eventually what we might have done at the outset.

Loyal to Depression

He knows there are choices other than those he has always made and that were he to risk a bit the options could be expanded quite a bit, but he is loyal to his depression and so is unwilling to go beyond it.  Only reluctantly will he be happy.

Always One More Thing

There is always the one more thing to be done, the one other person to be satisfied. Someday it may be O.K. to say "no" or "not just yet."

Old Gods

The old Gods never really go away.  We should be kind to them so they will be kind when they are again in ascendency.

Cheering Loutishness

Why do people cheer the loutish intensity?  Why is the angry and insulting player encouraged?  Perhaps they decided on a favorite and then permit whatever he will do.  Maybe they want to see this performance and want it performed just this way.  Maybe they find it more to their liking than civility.  What about the cycle of intensity and its encouragement provide and provoke such applause?  Why do his insults sound so pleasing?  Is the madness in the crowd, or in their expectation that this is how they must be?

Resistance

I resist change, even when it is favorable, and can think of no reason other than it being different.  What used to be was actually good, and there is not reason to doubt the goodness of what will be.  I would do better to see it in less dramatic terms and to do what I tell others to do, but when reality intrudes I still try pushing it aside.  It is, of course, silly and I would rather treat the moment with more respect and the future with more trust.

Life's Direction

If we focus specifically enough, can we really alter life's direction?

Someone Else

People seem to think I am someone else, which is sometimes complimentary and sometimes not.  I am not who they think they see.  I am not even who I think I see.

Easily Dismissed

At some point, when the intensity of youth and the drive to become someone other than who we are subside, we settle into something more.  There is then an opportunity to assess life and to decide what will we defend, affirm, or dismiss.  It may be surprising how much is easily dismissed.

Mistaking God Again

He seemed to suggest our relationship to God is not unlike that of the tenant farmer to the owner of the land.  While we are given use of the world, it has to be at a substantial cost.  I assume it is a notion deriving from a time when peasants farmed the lord's estate in a system that gave them more obligations than rights and only an appearance of freedom.  What is not given -- be it life or use of land -- impinges on freedom, since the contract is subjected constantly to revocation or to the imposing of conditions.  This is another failure to understand God and belies our inability to see him as he is rather than as we would make him.  God does not lend.  He instead gives and when he does he does not take back.  God the landlord and God, lord of the manner, are our mistake, not his reality.

Pound Ridge

We drove past Pound Ridge.  I recalled days spent there but other than the day of John's laughing and a few other scenes that are less specific I could not recall very much.  It is true too of other things and who we spend days with is more important than what we may have done.  Specifics are less significant than the atmosphere provided.

Talking to Walls

He says it is like talking to the wall.  Having heard him, I think the wall has a tough assignment.  I wished too I could listen to walls rather than to him.

Elijah in the Wilderness

Elijah walked a day into the wilderness and thought himself entitled to death.  The Lord did not agree.

I Thought

I thought I was talking to you.  But when I became angry I realized it must be God I was addressing.

Overlooked Reality

We expect people to be who we need or want them to be, despite who they may need or want to be within themselves.  We can overlook the reality of who they are because our wishes and wants make it so obscured.  We do this with one another, with public figures, and with God as well.

Our Depression

We become so terribly protective of our depression.  Perhaps because it is so familiar that any alternative would seem an essential change.

Obsessing

I would rather not do it, but find I obsess about things to a point where I almost think the obsessing is the resolution.  I have put in so much energy I expect that it was also productive.

Misunderstood God

It would be a silly God who had not understood people would make mistakes.  It would be a one-sided (or lop-sided) God who focused only on those mistakes.  It would be a terribly insecure and angry God who required retribution.  So, we have probably misunderstood.

Surrendering Innocence

We too quickly surrender innocence and too readily believe what we are told.

Programmed Failure

If we expect to attain what is unavailable, or to sustain what instead must change, we have programmed failure.  Why then are we so surprised when it happens?

Hope In Children

The only good and hopeful aspect of life is the children.  I can in others find flaw, even when I do not look.  I am even my own virus at times, bringing in and nurturing what in retrospect thrives to my detriment, but no matter what I may do or what else happens they remain themselves with all the goodness and kindness that is sacred.

Alan To Ireland

Alan is off to Ireland.  In whose struggles will I now recognize my own distress?

Winning

She wins all the arguments, but because there is always a new one she may not be winning after all.

Many Believing People

Is there one God appearing under many titles, or are there many Gods, each with his own religion?  Probably neither is the case.  As there is not one love but rather many loving people, so there are many believing people with belief being the more essential factor.  That beliefs are formulated in distinct ways is secondary, and no one formulation is more significant than others, even though it may claim priority.

Dying In Private

It seems death should always be a private experience.  The idea of people waiting and watching seems intrusive, and perhaps disrespectful, even though that is not what they intend.  It is its public-ness that gives to Jesus' death the ignominious aspect -- rather than it being by crucifixion, which is only the means.  In our culture there is a feeling the dying person requires company or reinforcement as they undertake a difficult transition, but I think that may suggest more the fear of the living than the experience of the dying.

Trouble Accepting Goodness

Facts are generally benign but interpretation gives them value and more often than necessary it is a negative value, perhaps because society is more lacking in trust, too dominated by its fear, to recognize goodness.  It is perhaps the same inclination that makes it so controlling and intrusive, more so than would ever be necessary were we inclined to accept the goodness of people.

Driven to Unattainable Goals

If people have reasonable expectations and understand the limitations life imposes, it becomes a simpler process.  Not having clearly defined goals and being driven to attain them, hoping they will become clear in the pursuit, is to instead increase their obscurity and it is a self-sustaining process so that we are forging deeper into obscurity and thinking it is light.  To expect what is unattainable or unavailable to us (though it may be possible in someone else's life) is not helpful

Barefoot

Few important things in our relationships are accomplished while wearing shoes.

Burden

It is, I think, time to set down the burden of my heart.

Accept The "Maybes"

If you anticipate the "maybes" becoming facts, you will be disappointed when they stay at the maybe level.  Stay away from the pretense and accept uncertainty as part of life, and not merely an incidental part.